The Noise of Change: Failing, Growing and Moving On
At 31 years old, I thought I'd be further along by now. Instead, I’ve been left with nothing but noise.
It's a noise of my own-making. A noise that builds, growing louder with each negative word I feed it. It accompanies me with each scroll through my phone, taking in what I haven't accomplished. It holds me tight while I peek into the mirror, reminding myself of the weight I haven't lost. At night, it breathes doubt into me, threatening to suffocate me where I lie.
This self-inflicted noise has continued to grow, until I no longer recognize the person I'm accustomed to being. Instead, I’ve allowed self-doubt and comparison to consume me, erasing the essence of what's kept me moving forward throughout the years: my spirit, determination, and willpower.
Taking Chances
Nine years ago, I moved abroad to live in Spain. What was meant to be a two-year stint, led to a job in education, a tight-knit group of friends, and a family to call my own. Living in a foreign country afforded me the adventure and escape that one often finds tucked into the pages of a good fantasy book. The most mundane task, such as going to the post office, became a challenge that thrilled me.
In fact, the moment I stepped off the plane, everything I did held a level of difficulty that could only be found when navigating life in another language. I faced bureaucratic challenges, completed a Masters – with half the classes in Spanish – and birthed not one, but two babies in a foreign tongue. Each year living here, I've experienced extreme highs, as well as gut-wrenching lows. Yet, during those low moments, I never faltered – until this past year.
Stuck in Transition
The last year has been a season of transition, where I decided to learn more about myself, as well as career goals. After repeatedly burning myself out while teaching, I realized a transition out of education was needed. I was ready for a change. Or so I thought.
Months of building a portfolio, alongside a newly tailored resume and hours on end of job searches, led me down one path – failing mental health. My typically optimistic inner voice gave way to an uglier, relentlessly cruel one that didn't hesitate to fill my head with doubts. For the first time since adolescence, my mind filled with a repeated cacophony of “you're not doing enough – you're not enough.”
It wasn't a sudden occurrence, but one birthed in many small moments, until those voices and the noise grew to greet me every day. Yet, despite the greyness that followed me around, I kept it to myself. Perhaps I was more withdrawn – but at least I was still smiling. It wasn't until an unfortunate mishap had me swiping at never-ending tears, while my husband asked if I was ok, that I realized I had held onto the noise for too long.
Creating Change
Too many months have gone by where I let unwarranted noise dictate too much about my life. The constant barrage of negative thoughts affected how I ate, how I slept, and, at times, how I interacted with my own family. I wish I could say that I left those voices behind me in the kitchen as I confessed to my husband, in hushed tones, all the negative things I'd been feeling lately.
But, it wasn’t at that moment, nor the next day. It took a few days of getting back to myself. Of removing the pressure and accepting myself for where I am now. A few days of my husband reminding me of how far along I've come.
I still have moments where I doubt myself or feel anxious about the future of “what ifs.” There are days when I need to shut down all the noise – turn off my phone, hug my babies, and watch a movie or read a good book. It's a slow process, but I'm learning to let the noise go.
Keeping On, Not Giving Up
Whether it’s because of work, family, or love (self or otherwise), this is your reminder to shut down the noise. Love yourself anyway. Prop yourself up without conditions. Accept that where you are now is not where you'll always be.
Life is sometimes difficult, and making grown-up moves is tough. It’s normal to fall apart sometimes. It’s ok to be upset when you don't get called back for an interview. Or to feel a niggle of jealousy when your friend buys a home while you’re still saving up. It is absolutely fine to look in the mirror and say to yourself, “I’m not feeling it today.” It is ok to be sad.
However, you cannot stay in that spirit of downfall and grief. We can’t let negative thoughts fester until they disturb our inner peace. Just as life has its transitions, so do our feelings. Acknowledge the negative feelings, accept them for a small time period, and then tell them to go.
Remember, moments are just that – ephemeral. Nothing lasts forever… except maybe cockroaches.